From Calm to Ill
Less than what she's made herself out to be.
(Going through a phase. Pardon her, please.)
Things I’ll Never Say
(cue Avril Lavigne song)
You don’t care about me.
Tire of me NOW and just go away, ALL OF YOU.
I know how you feel and I feel like a hypocrite.
:’(
Would continue, but too much going on right now HAHAHAHAHA. Maybe some other time eh? ;)
☮ ♥ ☺
Now, I know I usually don’t blog unless I am angry or sad but I just wanted to write things down somewhere so that I can remember. Today, we our first core household and it wasn’t what we discussed per se (Humility, just so everyone knows) that touched me but the people I was with that got me thinking. And for the first time in a long time, something in me awoke and I had the resolve to really make things right. At the same time, I was sad because there are so many things I need to make right, but I’m going to do it. Slowly and steadily, one by one. And I know it’s going to hurt all the more when things don’t go right like I want it to and I’ll always be vulnerable to angst and anger but for now, all is beautiful and I am determined to make things better.
It’s been one of the most peaceful nights I’ve had in a long time. I can feel myself truly at ease and I really do feel lighter (still fat though haha) in a sense. There are so many things that I’ve been feeling and so many things I didn’t want to hear or see or do because it made things difficult, because it disrupted my ‘peace’. But hey, no one said it was going to be easy, right. I knew And like the saying goes, anything worth it never comes easy. And I know, without a doubt, that it will be worth it. Everything will be worth it. When that friend smiles again, when that friend comes back, when they become the great leaders that we know they will be, when we grow, when in spite of it all, we’re still standing here, we know it’s worth it :’)
Goodnight, everyone.
Peace be with you.
Pandora’s Box
Fair warning, this is an angst post. Just scroll along if you know you don’t really care about what I’m going to say anyway. I am currently in a “I hate everyone” mood. Please don’t talk to me because I will slit your tongue off with words so razor sharp that your self-esteem will die. Either that, or I’ll put you in a terrible terrible mood so yes, do not talk to me. So I know I’m way tougher than this and I can get through this, this is nothing blah blah blah BUT for now, I’m giving in, alright. I’m giving in to the hate and angst and “I don’t want to do this anymore” feelings.
Because in this very moment, I really don’t want to do it anymore. Every single time, here I am, being a bum and leading a peaceful useless existence and it comes along and destroys everything and sucks me into this whirlwind of negativity. I see and think and feel too much, that’s why everything hurts. Not even gonna put in any effort to be classy with my words because there is no class to hate, it is terribly crass and vile and foul and yes, admittedly, that is all that I am currently.
And before you go all blah blah blah (don’t even want to think about all the judging comments that will be popping up in your heads) YES I DO KNOW THAT I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF, no need anyone to tell me that, thank you very much. It just takes a lot for me to not feel alone, ok. A LOT. And because I know that no one is ever willing to go that far for me, it hurts. So there, I am needy and insecure and whatever but you know what, so is everyone out there. And you all know that in front of you, I’m going to be mighty fine all smiles and when you ask, we all know I’m going to say “I’m ok.” because I deal with things on my own because almost all the time, they’re my own fault and I don’t need to rub my problems all over the face of someone else.
I hate everyone.
(Bloody inner demons.)
