From Calm to Ill

(ache : via forlovers)

The Thinker of Tender Thoughts by Shel Silverstein.

It it one of those nights. Tonight being, perhaps, one of the murkier ones. The kind of nights where I have to put in extra effort to get over myself. To be brutally honest and at the same time, putting myself out there as a hypocrite, I haven’t had a prayer time since BIG camp was over. Nights like these must be hugely due to that. Don’t get me wrong, I still seek Him in many ways. It’s just that having a prayer time calls for discipline, something that I lack a lot.

This mood … It calls for a pity party in session, one that I will attend alone. And yet, not totally alone, because I carry around with me my ghosts. They’re in my invisible backpack all the time, you just can’t see. They’re particularly heavy tonight so I have to take them out and let them walk freely or else my back will ache. My heart will ache. My head will ache. I am already aching.

Let me mourn the loss of my walls, for later on tonight, I must build them up again before I can go out into the world. I am safe in the comfort of my room, in the comfort of my world, in the comfort of the family who will never forsake me. Out there, it’s full of scary things - people. The ones who disappoint me, the ones who make me feel inferior, the ones who crush me. And because my walls are down, I am not ready for them.

I will leave because you do not need me, because you are better than me, because you will be fine on your own, because I am unwanted. Is it not pathetic? This need to feel wanted, this need to feel liked. I am not like you. Because I am an awkward turtle / owl / duck / human and you are a butterfly, flitting from flower to flower. So pretty, to be chased, to be sought after. I wasn’t made for this.

I have been stripped of my repelling gear, the fighter is off shift right now - she has had enough. There is only me. Poor, weak, insecure me. The one who will wallow in this pool of negativity, the one who refuses to get up, the one who is vulnerable, the one who will not fight back. The hardest battles are the ones against yourself. Our greatest enemies are the monsters inside us.

Fret not, this is temporary. The fighter will be back tomorrow, complete with repelling equipment, with all her walls back up like they were never down. But for now, leave this other person alone. Let her be. Just please, let me be.

♫

• Broken Social Scene / Anthem For A Seventeen Year Old Girl
• City and Colour / Grand Optimist
• Five for Fighting / Dying
• Ben Harper & The Innocent / Another Lonely Day
• Elliott Smith / Twilight
• Rufus Wainwright / Chelsea Hotel No. 2
• Ryan Adams / Come Pick Me Up
• The Hold Steady / Lord, I’m Discouraged